Monday, April 8, 2013

Members of the Rodent Family

The squirrels are out in droves and they’re killing me. 

My favorite is when I am running late for morning drop off at school and the little fuckers think it’s time for a game of chicken.  Sometimes, I’ll see one on the curb, about 30 feet up.  He’ll raise himself on his haunches and look at me.  I look at him and I assume we’ve come to an understanding: that I am an 8 cylinder SUV that seats up to 7 comfortably and he is, well, a three pound rodent with a bushy tail.  I'm wrong.  Suddenly he jumps into the street and I’m all over my brakes. 

The boys' consciousness is temporarily raised in the back seat: “What happened, mommy?”

“That STUPID squirrel just tried to commit suicide!”

“You said a naughty word.” From Vince. 

“What’s suicide?” From Nick.

“Nothing.  Forget it."  I quickly change the subject.  "How do you spell subtrahend?”  An actual second grade spelling word; I’m sure they’ll get as much use out of it as I have over the past 40 years.

I don’t know if the squirrels in our neighborhood are particularly slow-witted or if our squirrels just generally act like a bunch of asshole teenagers.

I imagine three or four squirrels under a bush in the front yard of one of our neighbors, having just downed four or five acorns. 

“Dare you to cross the street.”  All-show-no-go-squirrel says to his squirrel buddies.    

“I’m not doing it; you do it.”  One squirrel buddy responds.

"No way!" Replies another.

“I'll give whoever does it the rest of this acorn.”  The dare is sweetened.

“You guys are a bunch of WUSSIES.  I'll do it!”  Alpha-squirrel throws an empty acorn top over his shoulder and positions himself, prone, at the edge of the bush, watching the street for the next car.      

 The dumb-shit squirrel chant commences.  “Cross! Cross! Cross! Cross!”

“Here comes a car, here comes a car!”

Alpha squirrel hesitates just a moment too long before he leaps from under the bush and SPLAT!

“Mommy, what was that sound?”

Both boys are now prone in their booster seats, their heads turning left and right to look out every window. 

“You didn’t see that kid kick the soccer ball?”  I cringe.

“No! Did you hit it?” 

"This is what I told you can happen when you kick the ball in the street."

Acorn top whistling:

I wanna party with these two.